New Art Journal and First Entry

My good friend and kindred spirit in art making turned me on to the idea of doing an art journal. I loved the idea because one of the things I really enjoy is having a space where I can organize my artwork in order to tell the story of my experiences (one of the reasons I started this blog). Although I have an art room at home with an art line upon which I can hang my paintings, to me part of my processing of all that I have gone through involves having a place to chronologically makes sense of what I am feeling. So last weekend when my friend came to visit, I decided that I would start an art journal that will document our upcoming egg donor IVF cycle and hopefully the pregnancy and birth that are to follow. There is a lot to process, as this cycle is much different than those we have been through before. Although I believe that I have grieved the loss of having a biological child, there is much work that remains in regards to processing this new adventure. In addition to working this out in my journal, I also am looking forward to doing some more positively-focused pieces as a way to put myself in a good space for our upcoming cycle.

Along these lines, my first journal entry is my attempt at such positive framing. Last week I had a doppler ultrasound as a precursor to our upcoming cycle. I had never had this done in the past. It is a special type of ultrasound that measures blood flow to the uterus. Having the ultrasound is a little unnerving, especially for someone who has both heard the sound of their baby's heartbeat and the sound of silence when their baby has died. Because I could hear the sound of my own heartbeat and blood flow during the ultrasound, I couldn't help but be taken back to both of those times. Thankfully, I was distracted by the difficulty that is apparently inherent in conducting one of these ultrasounds. After much maneuvering and two nurses trying to get an accurate read, I faced a new problem with my body--I have abnormal/restricted blood flow to my uterus.

Despite this news, I was not incredibly devastated. What is one more issue with my body in addition to all the others? Thankfully, my doctor is not highly concerned either. With my previous IVF cycles, I have maintained nice thick uterine linings and high estrogen levels (two things typically impacted by abnormal blood flow to the uterus). I will continue to do acupuncture (which I absolutely love) given its benefits for aiding blood flow AND my doctor will add a new drug to my protocol. This drug is...drum roll please...Vaginal Viagra! Ta Da! I think this is fabulous. Apparently vaginal viagra does the same thing for uteruses as it does for penises in regards to increasing blood flow. Unfortunately, side effects do NOT include spontaneous orgasm. From what I've read, VV is highly effective even for those who have problems building up strong uterine linings, so I think it's great I will have one more thing in my corner that could contribute to a healthy pregnancy.

So below are a few pictures. The first two are the cover of my art journal that I made. I love the quote, as I think it captures beautifully what art can do that words cannot. The other pictures are my first entry--my attempt at visualizing my arteries moving and grooving (despite their clinical restriction) and getting ready for my sweet baby to join the party.