Bodily Forgiveness

After going through IVF a second time and having another miscarriage, I started needing to work on my issues with my body. I had become so angry at it for letting me down in so many ways. My therapist gave me an assignment to "get mad at my body" so that I could begin to make peace with it. I started out by writing it a letter, but the right words just wouldn't come to me. So I decided to paint a picture instead. I started out with the idea of putting my naked body in the corner wearing a dunce hat. My original idea was to have the hands shoving all the let downs at the body as if to say, "Look at everything you've done to me!" But when I drew the hands, they didn't look angry at all. They looked welcoming, empathic, loving, and most importantly, forgiving. So instead of putting the let downs in the hands, I had the idea to put them on the chalkboard, as if the body was writing out it's punishment for all it has done to us. I added the flag, not only to add to the classroom feel, but because of the freedom I felt as a result of going through the process of making this painting.

I'm sorry...1. Our eggs are bad. 2. Our fallopian tube was taken without our permission. 3. We had to wear a patch that burned our skin. 4. That we've had our baby scraped out of us. 5. That we grow cysts. 6. That we don't ovulate. 7. That we have irregular periods. 8. That we have to be so skinny instead of big and fat. 9. So many people have seen us naked. 10. We feel so afraid of functioning correctly even though it's the thing we want the most. 11. We fear we might never give birth. 12. We are infertile. 13. We have to bear so many of our friends' pregnancies and births. 14. We cost so much money. 15. We have scars. 16. Our 15 embryos could not stay. 17. We have to answer when people ask if we have kids. 18. That people have stopped talking to us. 19. That we might never have a baby. 20. That our babies are dead.