The last trimester of my pregnancy involved a good deal of anxiety-filled anticipation. With each ultrasound we prayed that Milo's heart still would be flickering and that Matilda would still be the perfect baby she was from the beginning. In addition to the ultrasounds, I feared what my body would do, despite its constant efforts to prove to me that it was strong and healthy. Regardless of my worries, my body held its own. I gained the recommended 50 pounds for a woman my size. At 37 weeks although my belly measured 45-weeks pregnant, my cervix stayed tightly closed, never once threatening to open prematurely. I had no signs of preeclampsia or other problems that often plague the bodies of women carrying twins or more.
Although the babies and my body stayed healthy, one aspect of my anxiety was never dissuaded--the babies were breech from the beginning of the pregnancy and refused to flip into the head-down position. Over the years of struggling to get pregnant, having a vaginal delivery has been something that has became incredibly important and meaningful to me to say the least. I recognize that this may seem ridiculous, especially for someone like me who should thank her lucky stars that she finally got and stayed pregnant. However, for someone whose body has let her down so many times in so many ways and for someone who has had to go to such lengths to get her body to do what it is supposed to be able to do naturally, a non-medicated vaginal delivery was what I longed for. I wanted it almost to the same extent that I longed for a baby itself. I hated the thought of a c-section, such a seemingly violent birth--arms strapped down, body immobile, curtain preventing women from bearing witness to what is being done to their own bodies, a doctor (usually a man) slicing them open. Instead, I wanted an empowered birth and the chance to let me body do the most incredible thing humanly possible. A common saying from pregnant women who elect to having a c-section or use pain medication during delivery is "I don't need a gold star." I am unashamed to admit that I wanted the gold star. I admit that I am a whore for a feeling of accomplishment after a hard-fought battle. I wanted that feeling desperately after giving birth to Matilda and Milo. Of course the politically correct thing to say is that all I wanted was happy and healthy babies, but it wasn't. I wanted them to come to me after hours of horrific pain, delivered by my hands and my body unhinged. That was not the plan for me. And so another loss ensued.
In the final weeks of my pregnancy, I set out as I always do when faced with my heartbreaking losses to find the meaning in having to lose my dream birth. At first it was difficult, as all I could come up with was: at least if I have a scheduled c-section I am going to know when it will happen and my family can prepare their visits ahead of time. This wasn't enough. However, the week before my c-section the answer I was looking for finally came when I was talking to my doula. Throughout my pregnancy she often reminded me that her father, who was an obstetrician, always said that when it comes to childbirth it is important to trust the integrity of the baby, as he or she knows best what is the safest way to make his or her entrance into the world. On this particular day when we talked, my doula told me this again but she mentioned two new things that had dawned on her. First, she said that it is important to keep in mind that remaining breech is a choice the babies are making, not me. This helped me think about just how empowered the babies themselves were. Although I was seeking such a feeling for myself, knowing that they were ultimately in control helped me have new perspective. What a beautiful story I will have to tell Matilda about how even from the womb she was making her own choices despite her mommy's desires. Second, my doula said that a c-section may allow us to spend more time with Milo than we would have if he would have to go through the stress of a natural birth. That was all I needed to hear.
So today, three weeks after my c-section, I can say a couple of things for sure. It wasn't the birth I always wanted. I'm not sure if I will ever get my dream non-medicated vaginal delivery, as I'm not sure I will be pregnant or give birth again.
But, the c-section allowed me to spend three amazing hours of my life with Milo--the biggest gold star I've ever received.
I am sharing others' artwork along with this post. Our beautiful photographer,
Katherine Payne, took our maternity pictures, as well as pictures of our birth, which I will share in an upcoming post. Here are a few of my favorites from the maternity session, taken at 29-weeks pregnant. They remind me that my body is a strong body, capable of getting pregnant and giving life to two incredible gifts. If you've read my post
My Boots Are Made for Keeping, I thought you'd appreciate the boots shot. The sash I am wearing in the pictures is by my friend
Ahndea May, who is an incredible artist and stylist.
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| Copyright: Katherine Payne Photography |
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| Copyright: Katherine Payne Photography |
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| Copyright: Katherine Payne Photography |
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| Copyright: Katherine Payne Photography |
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| Copyright: Katherine Payne Photography |
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| Copyright: Katherine Payne Photography |
